Beating myself upside the head

Tonight things got real. God has once again opened my eyes and my heart. I was vulnerable and shared a struggle. I know there is more to share, I just didn't have the courage to tonight. I wanted to be invisible. I didn't want anyone to see me. I felt shame.

"My grace is sufficient for you, Kathryn"

Hard pill to swallow, that's for sure.

Keep taking those baby steps. Keep taking one step at a time, in the right direction. Let it all out, let out a big sigh.

I have this book called "e-mail from God for Women" by Claire Cloninger. Kinda cheesy sounding, I know. But it is so sweet to me. Each email starts with something like "Dear Daughter" or "My Daughter" or "Dear Child of Mine"...which is very endearing to me. I miss getting notes in the mail from my Dad, or emails....I plain just miss him. I miss getting to talk to him on the phone. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs.

I can't believe it's almost been 6 years since he died. And yet, right now, it feels fresh. I recall those lonely nights in my dorm, tossing and turning, calling his cell phone just to hear his voice, mad at everyone and everything for continuing while I was left alone to sort out my feelings. I would often finally drift to sleep just minutes before the dorm cafeteria would open to serve breakfast.

When I got home from the hospital, the night before he died, I found the valentine's day card and chocolates he bought for me. It was only 11 days late, but still so sweet. Dad had baked barbecue chicken for me to eat while I was in town that weekend. It was in the fridge. I couldn't bring myself to eat it. I don't know why.

I promised him that I would come see him before his surgery. But that meant waking up at 6am on a Sunday. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I slept till 10am before finally driving to the hospital. I wish I could take that back. I wish I had been there before he went in for surgery.

....kinda got off topic there...but the point remains the same. I need to learn to extend grace to myself. Here is the email that I flipped open to in my aforementioned book:

My Daughter,

Everyone knows that caterpillars turn into butterflies eventually. But they are definitely caterpillars first. They can't fly; they move slowly; and they look like big, fat worms.

When you start your spiritual walk with me, I give you the promise of spiritual maturity, healing, and wholeness. But you aren't there yet. You are still a spiritual caterpillar. So stop beating yourself up for not being perfect and just keep moving toward the promise. I've created you to fly, but it is a process that takes time, patience, and lots of grace.

In fact, no one ever truly comes into the fullness of my promises until they pass through the cocoon of death into my perfect kingdom. So live graciously in this caterpillar state, being the woman I've created you to be. And keep moving toward the promise of flight.

Your Creator,
God

"I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6