Random thought resurfacing from the day Dad died

I remember being in a prayer circle at the hospital on Feb. 23, 2003....doubting that God would do anything to keep my Dad alive....knowing in my heart that his life was over......before it was confirmed that he was dead.

A deep part of me wanted to believe it would all be okay, that God's hand was in this situation, that God was near.

Another part of me did not know God. This part of me was convinced that there was no point in praying to God, that He would not come through for me....never had and never will, especially not in this crisis situation.

When the news was delivered, and my fears were confirmed to be true, that Dad was dead....time slowed....I have no clue how much time really passed by, but it is still vividly imprinted in my mind.

I remember thinking, okay, so perhaps there will be good in this....I mean everything HAS to happen for a reason, right?

Maybe this will force Natalie and I into becoming closer to each other.

Selfish thoughts came into my mind as well...thoughts so darkly selfish that I am ashamed to admit them aloud, let alone type them.

But what has resounded in my heart over the past 6 years is "Maybe this will force Natalie and I into becoming closer to each other."

Summer of 2003, I pretty much did everything in my power to push her away. I said mean hurtful things to her, blamed Dad's stress, bad health, and yes, even his death on her. We literally fought in the front yard....I think that is the only fight I've ever been in...

The next few years went by, and I don't really recall any other mean words, but I also wasn't the most loving sister. Nor was I encouraging and accepting. If anything, I nitpicked and nagged at her bad habits.

When her high school graduation came....I didn't go. I had a dance performance that I thought was more important...oh, and our Mom watched me dance, so she walked without us there to congratulate her.

As much as people say my life was hard, I KNOW Nat's life has been harder.

After I became a Christian, I realized that I was wrong about so much. I started praying for Natalie in 2006.

I so desperately envied my friends who had close relationships with their siblings. Why couldn't I have that? Was it my fault because I live here and she lives in Houston?

I realized it would take more than my faulty love on her for her to want God in her life. I started praying that God would put people in her life that would have a godly influence on her.

I remember asking her if she believed in God. She said "Yes, of course! I mean who else could have created all of this?"

But that was as far as my evangelism skills took me.

The last time she came to visit me, she did nothing but love on me. She loved on me with a love I have never seen from her....it was completely selfless.

So I wrote all of this to reflect on the fact that it has been exactly 6 years and 1 month since Dad died. So much has changed. Yet I do believe and have hope that God is near, God is in control, and that he is redeeming Natalie. I am so excited for all the joy that God has yet to unveil to both Nat and I.