My Trademark Move

As I was driving home tonight, this song played on my iPod. Granted, I've heard it countless times, and have had the song on my iPod for several years...it touched my heart tonight in a way it never has before.

I have always held on to old habits, and have begun to acknowledge this tendency to myself lately. For some reason, I have a strength right now that I have never had before. I still have the same sinful thoughts, but thus far, they have failed to come to fruition. I am very thankful for that. I can happily boast that it is because of Christ living in me that I have been able to abstain from those bad habits for 3 months now. I don't think that a week goes by that the temptation or the thought doesn't cross my mind, and for that I am very thankful. I do also know that I can't just be satisfied with that, and then put myself in a place where I can stumble again.

I also know that I have a tendency to puff myself up....to tell myself that it is all me, and not God doing this work in me. This only leads to me separating myself from God, and allowing a barrier to exist between me and Him. I begin to think that I can do it on my own....but yet KNOW that I can't.

Reflecting back, I know that I fall into sin and temptation when I leave what matters out of sight. When I push God to the back of my mind. When I hush that still-small voice in my heart and ignore all truths that are reverberating in my heart. That only leads to me falling back into old habits. Habits I want to walk away from. I can't simply run away from them, because I would be in denial and or be able to suppress its existence and hold over my life. No, I must learn to walk away from those bad habits. Those bad patterns of living. (Romans 12:2: Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.)

When I attempt to sever my tie with God by turning my back on Him, I am basically going back to this "I can do it all on my own, and I don't need you to accomplish what I want for my life". I am also saying "I don't want Your will for my life, however seemingly 'good and pleasing and perfect' it may be! I want what I want, and I want it now!". (Wow, typing that makes me realize how immature that thought process is!)

It doesn't take long until I am forced to realize that I can't hold it all together. It takes a little longer for me to admit it, and by then, I've fallen apart!

And so here is where I turn back to God, knowing that I need things to improve, that I need God, and that only God can make me well. So, I come crawling back to God, begging for forgiveness, usually with my head down in shame.

So here I am. Willing to kill the thing(s) that turn me away. Not quite literally ready to amputate the arm that will disobey, because I'm not convinced that that was literal...but I would agree that I have not yet reached the point of shedding blood to keep from sinning, and therefore I am still needing to put up a good fight in this battle against my habitual sin. (Hebrews 12:4: After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin.)

So I WILL withdraw from everything that's hurting me. For me that means not interacting with certain people. That means not engaging in certain activities. This is for my own good, and not something that I think that everyone should adhere to. Nor do I think that I will have a need to adhere to these restrictions forever. Just until I feel like I would no longer be tempted by those people or activities. Basically not until Jesus is finished with this part of His work in me. (Phil 1:6 And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.) Now I realize that His complete work in me will not be finished until the day when Christ Jesus returns, but I am hopeful that I will be healed enough to be able to participate in those activities and relationships when they can be had healthily.

So here is the Relient K song that inspired this post. Lyrics are below:

i think it might just be alright
to leave what matters out of sight
old habits die hard, holding on
inevitable means it's never gone

told myself what i need to hear
i think the point was very clear
i showed me what we missed since we
slipped into inconsistency

it seems if my ties with you get severed
i can't seem to hold a thing together
i just fall apart
cause that's my trademark

it's my, my trademark move
to turn my back on you
it's my, my trademark move
to realize i should improve
and sometime soon after that
you'll see me come crawling back

i'll kill the thing that turns me away
amputate the arm that will disobey
withdraw from everything that's hurting me
until you finish your work in me

told myself what i need to hear
i think the point was very clear
i showed me what we missed since we
slipped into inconsistency

it seems if my ties with you get severed
i can't seem to hold it all together
i just fall apart
cause that's my trademark

it's my, my trademark move
to turn my back on you
it's my, my trademark move
to realize i should improve
and sometime soon after that
you'll see me come crawling back

it's my, my trademark move
to turn my back on you
it's my, my trademark move
to turn my back on you
it's my, my trademark move
to turn my back on you
it's my, my trademark move
to realize i should improve
and sometime soon after that
you'll see me come crawling back